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#SatireDiary S02 E01: The chicken murderer

Barristar Loyal in his characteristically comical sense, narrates how he escaped being cajoled to slaughter chicken wondering aloud why men murder other men

Chicken murderer
Chicken murderer

(Barristar Loyal walks into his office singing with gesticulations, heads akimbo and shaking, while the body twists along with the rhythm).

We winshu
Ha-many kiss-mass
We winshu
Ha-many kiss-mass
We winshu
Ha-many kiss-mass
ana-haapi nu-yea.

(Barrister Human Rights can’t help but laugh his heart out)

Barr. HR: Why are you singing like “shildren” Barristar Loyal? Lol.

Barristar Loyal: You won’t understand what Christmas Carol is like when you are surrounded by tones like:

On the first day of …”

Jingle bell, jingle bell …”

“Silent night…”

In my hood, “we winshu” that’s how we roll.

Barrister H R: That’s interesting… (chuckles)

Barristar Loyal: Let me tell you in details how thrilling my Christmas holiday turned out to be.

(Draws a chair for me to sit on while he sat on the edge of his table)

On the 24th while I was returning from Facebook Magistrate Court of people’s opinion, it was quite earlier in the day unlike I used to, because much was not done at the court premises probably due to the festivity in the air. I walked into my compound, a similitude of the number of flats you have in a building of the “1004 estates”. It was obvious that most of my neighbours were not around, considering the serenity that enveloped the compound. So I took advantage of the deafening silence for siesta.

After a couple of minutes I was brought back to consciousness by the screaming shout of “Up NEPAaaaa!” (Your guess is very correct; the last time our electric bulb came on was since over a month ago). The shout was so much that I heard it from my dream till I was very awake. That was the end of the nap. Sadly, the reason for the euphoria was short-lived. The blades of the fan were yet to be at full speed before they stopped. So to escape from the heat indoor, I chose to stay at the balcony.

Related: #SatireDiary S01 E07: How to tackle Nigeria’s woes

I observed that not only were my neighbours returning but with different animals for slaughter. I saw one big turkey (almost as big as a billy) that made me ask myself if indeed we are in a period of economic recession. My neighbours were so kind that they would do more than just greet me, but wait to exchange long pleasantries like it’s been ages since we last saw. I was wondering if my busy schedules have brought such distance between me and my neighbours.

To escape from the seemingly endless greetings, I decided to take a walk down the street. I saw cages displaying birds that can be used for the ceremonial offerings. However, there was unusual atmosphere around the cages. The animals were all wearing this aggressive looks like militants demanding ransoms. Then I remembered I picture I saw on the wall while at the Facebook Magistrate Court, of a Christmas-bound cock with a pistol calling for the head of any intending slayer. So I kept my distance from the cages till I returned home. The rest of the day witnessed lots of “poh poah” till those children ran out of both cash and firecrackers.

On Christmas Day, incessant knocks on my door took me off my bed. Behold! It was Baba Nkechi at my door.

“Barristar Loyal, you see, the last time you slaughtered during your Sallah celebration I so much loved the dexterity and precision with which you culled the fowl and ram. That, when I tasted the meat I felt like the way you culled is part of the reason the meat was so delicious (I had to close the door a bit, so that my wife won’t hear this part of his narrative).

“So please can you do me the honour of doing same to my turkey?” Baba Nkechi concluded. I was about to answer (before I remembered that the turkey in question almost attacked me yesterday, I was saved by the rope that held it)… so I murmured… “Yes… yes!”

Just as I was nodding in affirmation, I heard … “and me too Barristar..” And that was Baba Nkiru.

“Ok,  no problem!” I said.

I hadn’t moved a step before I heard echoes of “and me too oooo” ranting the air.

In awe, I wondered why the whole neighborhood will want me slaughter their Christmas-bound animal. Amazingly, the animals were all assembled; I counted over 50 before I stopped. And I saw the scornful look on their faces. So I yelled, “What! Do you mean to tell me that, I will murder these entire animals?”

“No! You just have to kill them” Mr. Joseph replied.

Thus, I came up with a plan. Not to even touch any of the animals. Because I couldn’t explain to them that I wasn’t the one whole slaughtered during Sallah but my brother did. Also, that yesterday I had to leave the balcony when cockroach attacked me. Not to talk of how I have been sharing cupboard with one stubborn rat that will even greet me good morning daily. So I told them to hold their animals in position with the help of their children (neck positioned for slaughtering). Everywhere was dead silent. With all eyes fixed on me. I started to make funny hand movement like a Kung fu master, waiting for the right moment.

As I heard the loud sound of a firecracker, “Pooah,” I shouted, dropped the knife and ran in an unknown direction. The sound and my shout was enough to multiply the shock wave and there was utter commotion, animals and men colliding.

I had earlier seen some boys with the long firecracker and knew it will only take a little time before they’d blow it up. So they presented me the opportunity to escape and I grabbed it. Don’t ask me what happened thereafter, because I haven’t been sleeping at home since then.

Barr. H R: (laughing uncontrollably) ha ha ha…

(Our secretary who had been listening to our gist, also joined in the laughing)

Secretary : Oga, so you no fit kill ordinary cockroach.

Barristar Loyal : Can you?

Secretary : Yes I can

Barristar Loyal : Then you are a murderer (of cockroach)

You see the issue is, just like me, my neighbours could not kill their fowls and other animals despite the fact that it is allowed. Self pity and human feeling wouldn’t allow us. So I wonder where those people get the gut to massacre their fellow humans from.

So I put it to you all “Why should men be massacred?” Religion, ethnicity and race are all about humanity. Anything against humanity is evil and animalistic. For greed, power, selfish interest… not to even think of “for animals”. Please someone should explain to me where humanity is in our present societies.

Meanwhile, read how the world celebrated ushering in the New Year 2017.

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